


You've Got To Be Kitten Me.

by electricteatime



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: A lot of sleeping, Character Transformation, DGHDA Halloween Mini Bang, Except Todd, Gen, Kitten Hijinks, M/M, Mentions of guns and human trafficking (very brief), This is silly but I've wanted to write it for so long, Todd is temporarily a kitten, a lot of Dirk Gently loving cats, and Cuteness, and Todd, and trying to navigate without opposable thumbs, he's having an existential crises, it's just... silly fluff, mostly comfort, only some Todd typical self loathing, we're here for a good time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-14 17:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricteatime/pseuds/electricteatime
Summary: Todd glares at him, somehow, and lets out a tiny indignant meow, before stumbling over his paws just in time to collapse where Dirk can catch him.“Farah,” Dirk says, sounding more concerned by the second despite the unarguable adorableness of the kitten passed out in his hands. “I think we may have aslightproblem.”***In the process of hunting down some human traffickers using alien technology, Todd somehow manages to get turned into a kitten. He's not happy. Farah definitely isn't happy. Dirk is... well. It's Todd. He's a kitten. Dirk is trying to be supportive without squealing with delight every five minutes.Somehow, they manage.





	You've Got To Be Kitten Me.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I know, it's not very halloween-y. I've wanted to write this for _ages_ though and black cats are a big enough link, right? 
> 
> (I turned Todd into a kitten temporarily because I thought it would be funny and cute. I was right.)
> 
> Since this is a bang it does come with wonderful art by [kezokino](https://kezokino.tumblr.com/) which you can find [here](https://kezokino.tumblr.com/post/188613709560/youve-got-to-be-kitten-me-chapter-1) and I highly encourage you to check it out!
> 
> Thank you to the wonderful [Juniper](https://juniper-and-lamplight.tumblr.com/) and [Jack](https://gallantrejoinder.tumblr.com/) for looking over this for me, you're both stars and I appreciate your help so much <3
> 
> Other than that I just wanted to note that this fic isn't finished (one day I'll write a fic somewhere _close_ to the minimum word count) but I didn't want to not post anything and I'm pretty sure I'll be able to finish it soon so the wait shouldn't be too long at all!

It doesn’t start with body swappers. 

At first Todd had thought it might, having already had one encounter with them and hoping desperately to avoid another, he’d assumed that when they’d found the place the disappearing people had disappeared _to_ had turned out to be a shipping container full of _cats,_ it was just his luck that they’d show up in his life again. He supposed, in a way, that it could be nostalgic. Their first case had been bodyswappers, Dirk had pointed out, and it could almost be considered _romantic_. Todd wasn’t too sold on that point, nor was he sold on the idea of adopting what appeared to be millions of cats if they couldn’t find a way to turn them back. Dirk had sulked about that, but seeing as he’d been sulking while trying to pet every single human-turned-cat he could it hadn’t been particularly convincing. 

So no, it doesn’t start with body swappers. What it _does_ start out with, is something that in Todd’s opinion is _far_ more sinister and far far more _human_ in all the worst ways. It starts out with a group of human traffickers, who had found a much _easier_ way to transport their victims when they’d happened upon some inexplicable alien technology that turned living things into other things. He can only assume they couldn’t change the setting to something other than cats, seeing as referring to something verging on impossible via the saying ‘like herding cats’ existed for a damn good _reason_. 

They’d found them though, tracked them to the shipping yard, watched as someone had turned back into a human only to have the laser fired at them as soon as they did, dropping back onto four paws with a pained yelp. It was a relief to see that it _could_ be undone, but didn’t really help when they had to sit with the cats for hours once they’d taken care fo the criminals before they could call the police to say they’d found the missing victims without presenting a few dozen cats in their place.

Dirk had graciously left that up to Todd and Farah. 

It had gone smoothly, as smoothly as cases tend to for them at least, and eventually the last of the traffickers had been carted off, the victims bundled into vans to be taken home to their families, and Dirk, Todd, and Farah were left standing alone in an empty shipyard trying to remember the way back to their car. Which of course is where it all went wrong. 

Because it doesn’t start with body swappers, it doesn’t start with the main villains of the piece, it doesn’t even start at the beginning of the case. 

It starts when one man they’d somehow managed to miss, aims his laser gun at Dirk from around the shipping container, and fires. 

It starts when Farah fires back so quickly and accurately she manages to blow the gun up in his hand and send the bullet straight through his heart.

It starts when Todd, ever the self sacrificing idiot, sees the blast coming, and jumps in front of Dirk to block it. 

And it really, truly starts, when what lands on the floor isn’t a man about to catch a lecture on how jumping in front of potential bullets isn’t a good idea even to save the people you love because he is not expendable, but a tiny, fluffy, black haired, blue eyed kitten. 

The “oh my _god_” Dirk lets out, sways a little too heavily into the realm of _cute_ for the seriousness of the situation, but that doesn’t make it any less deserved. 

Todd glares at him, somehow, and lets out a tiny indignant _meow_, before stumbling over his paws just in time to collapse where Dirk can catch him. 

“Farah,” Dirk says, sounding more concerned by the second _despite_ the unarguable adorableness of the kitten passed out in his hands. “I think we may have a _slight_ problem.”

***

In any other circumstance, Dirk Gently would be _delighted_ to have a kitten sleeping curled up on his couch. In many ways he still _is._ Watching Todd sleep is, something his boyfriend often fondly refers to as 'creepy', and something that remains one of Dirk's favourite past times. Kittens are, without a doubt, one of his favourite things in the _entire_ world, and so watching Todd sleeping _as a kitten_ is something that, despite the severity of the situation, Dirk still manages to enjoy.

He's _tiny_, is the thing. A mound of black fluff curled up on a cushion with his nose tucked under his tail, ears twitching back and forth as he dreams about... well, Dirk can only guess at that but it's still _cute_. Farah had estimated him to be about two months, which had worried her greatly considering it appeared to be _significantly_ younger than most of the other people-turned-cats they'd found, and even _more_ significantly younger than Todd's _actual_ age. Dirk isn't convinced that age is the primary concern here though and had dismissed Farah's worry with a squeal of delight when Todd had shifted in his sleep.

He'd been sleeping for a _long_ time though, and the pool of worry that Dirk has been trying to ignore is growing larger by the second.

"Farah," he asks, glancing over to where she's picking through the remnants of the gun she'd managed to piece together from where she'd shot through it before, looking for some kind of solution to this mess. "How long would you say it took for the others to turn back?"

She sighs heavily, glancing at Todd with a weary look that doesn't indicate anything promising.

"About eight hours, from what they said, but some seemed to be quicker. They'd just shoot them again whenever they turned back which is... _inefficient_. God only knows how they figured it out in the first place, but they were _hardly_ the smartest criminals we've ever come across."

Dirk nods thoughtfully. "So, we have six more hours before we should panic. Good. _Much_ better than needing to panic right now. How likely is it Todd will sleep through it all?"

Farah snorts, "well he's... a _kitten_-" a pained look crosses her face but she shakes it away before it can settle, "so it's not _impossible_ but with our luck? I wouldn't say it was likely."

"That's what I thought," Dirk admits, chewing on his lip as he turns his attention back to Todd. "He is _not_ going to be happy about this."

"When is he ever?" Farah smiles, going for reassurance but Dirk knows her too well to not see the strain in the expression.

Dirk knows _many_ things that make Todd happy, many ways to _make_ him happy, but he has to admit that when it comes to this situation he's at a complete and utter loss. Best not to wake him, really. The longer he sleeps, the longer they have to work out what to do when he wakes up.

It turns out he needn't have bothered hoping for too much, as just as Dirk is about to start googling what he should do in a situation like this just in case the internet has any valuable information for him, he drops his phone.

The sound is enough to startle Todd awake, and for a moment he freezes, staring at Dirk before looking around the room, blinking in confusion as Dirk tries to work out what to say before Todd can worry himself into a mess like he knows he's going to. He makes it as far as opening his mouth to tell him not to worry, when Todd opens his own mouth, and all that comes out is a soft _mew._

For all of a second Dirk's chest fills with an _unbearable_ wave of affection. Then Todd does what he does best, and starts freaking the _hell_ out.

The sound startles him, and it's enough to make him jump back a little, looking at Dirk with large, bewildered eyes that only grow more and more frustrated as he tries to say _something_ and is just met with the same little meowing sound over and over again. He stumbles over his own paws for a moment, and Dirk thinks he's going to topple off the edge of the sofa, but he manages to get his claws caught in the cushion and that only seems to add to his distress. Dirk thinks about what he does when Todd is distressed, thinks about what he does when he's with a kitten that’s distressed, and tries to hit some kind of mix between the two.

"Todd," he speaks as soft as he can, trying to get him to listen to him. "Hey, _hey,_ Todd it's-" is saying it's okay a lie? Probably. Dirk can't think of anything else right now though. "It's _okay_. It's- you need to-" and trying to get Todd to calm down isn't going to be fun he realises, when it doesn't even look like Todd is _listening_ to him. "Hold _still_," is what he tries instead, taking hold of the paw that's still stuck to the cushion gently, but as firmly as he can as Todd tries to twist out of it, and eventually he manages to ease it out from where it's gotten trapped. "_There_. Now. If you could stop freaking out for _just_ a minute I can-"

Todd stops, bristling with something that _looks_ like anger but Dirk is sure is at _least_ half fear. He hisses when Dirk tries to reach for him, backing up into the corner where no doubt he feels safer. Todd always seemed to seek out smaller, more confined spaces when he'd felt panicked anyway, he can only imagine that in his current state the feeling is somewhat amplified.

Dirk tries to ignore the way his heart breaks just a little when Todd pulls as much of himself as he can back into the corner, crouching low against the furnishing and pulling his ears down flat against his head. His eyes dart around the room, agitated and vigilant, like he's expecting to be attacked at any second, and Dirk realises all of a sudden that no matter how cute he may be like this, it's probably an acutely distressing thing to wake up to.

It's with that in mind that he drops to his knees in front of the sofa, offering his hand out to Todd from a safe distance like he would any cat he'd found lurking in the street, and drops his voice to almost a whisper.

"You're going to be okay," Dirk tells him softly, hoping that Todd can at _least_ understand him. "You- the man who _shot_ you it was- it was one of the alien guns so... right now you're a- well. You're a _cat_. Which I suppose you'd figured out but for the most part that appears to be a temporary condition and... you're a very _cute_ cat so it's not _all_ bad." At that Todd shoots him a glare, a look that should be out of place on the face he's wearing now, but manages to make Dirk smile in relief. "Oh _good_. I was starting to worry you couldn't understand us at all! Obviously we can't understand you. We don't speak cat, although if you could _teach_ me to speak cat that would be-" Todd cuts him off with a sharp, reprimanding _hiss_ that Dirk does his best not to coo at. "Right. Yes, of course. That's silly of me. I just-" he offers him a smile he _hopes_ is reassuring. "Farah is looking at the gun right now, and we both know Farah is the _best_ so she'll figure something out, and if she _doesn't_ all the others wore off anyway so you know it's... it's not going to be _forever,_ Todd. It's just for now. And besides! I'm a cat expert _and_ a Todd expert so you really _couldn't_ be in better hands!"

Todd does not look at _all_ like he believes that, and Dirk tries not to be insulted. It's odd really, watching Todd's expressions appear on a tiny kitten face in a way that's so different from the way they usually look and yet still so recognisably _Todd_. He still looks wary, soft and scared and not at all prepared to venture out of his corner, but he does seem to relax a little when Dirk sighs softly and rests his chin on the sofa cushion.

"You really shouldn't have jumped, you know. I think this is the _one_ time I may have _enjoyed_ being shot.”

Todd narrows his eyes, hissing softly before reaching out to bat at his nose. The motion is lightning fast and enough to make Dirk jerk back, affronted by the attack. Todd, as much as a kitten can, looks _smug_.

"Alright," Dirk concedes. "_Maybe_ I deserved that. I just... you _are_ going to be okay Todd. I promise. And in the meantime..." he reaches out slowly, clearly making to pet at his head but getting hissed at before he can get _anywhere_ close. Dirk rolls his eyes when Todd bears his teeth in warning, and holds his hands up in mock surrender. "_Fine_. We'll work up to that."

Todd gives him an unimpressed look before very pointedly turning away from him, and there’s a brief moment where Dirk _considers_ reaching for him anyway, but at the memory of Todd’s newly acquired _claws_ decides against it. 

He’s sure even in this state, Todd’s protestations won’t last long.

***

It's safe to say that Todd is _not_ enjoying himself.

It's one thing to wake up in a hospital bed with a bullet wound, which is how he'd _imagined_ himself waking up in the split second he'd had to consider it before he'd been hit, but it's something _entirely_ different to wake up as a... like _this_. If he doesn't think about it, maybe it won't be happening, or at least that's what he tells himself as he half pays attention to Dirk trying to explain the situation. He's mostly trying his best not to get overwhelmed by how big and _loud_ everything seems right now, trying not to panic when he looks down and sees fucking _paws_ where his hands should be, trying not to be swallowed whole by a pit of crushing despair when the only thing he can seem to say isn't human speech at all. And to top it all off he's trying not to claw Dirk's face off when he looks at him, despite everything, like he's _cute_.

He _knows_ Dirk has an affinity for cats but Todd is _not_ a cat. He has no desire to _be_ a cat. He _certainly_ hadn't expected this to happen when he'd jumped in front of that shot and now... Dirk tells him he won't be stuck like this forever but that doesn't mean the fear isn't there, niggling away at the back of his mind. He can't even _talk_ to them, can't seem to _defend_ himself in any way, the best thing he can do is back himself into a corner and do his best to hide while they wait it out, and hope nothing awful happens in the meantime.

Todd feels like crying, which isn't entirely out of character for him he supposes, but still does nothing to make him feel better as he fits himself into the smallest space he can on the sofa and watches Dirk from it warily. When his boyfriend (are they still dating if Todd is a cat? How would they even handle a breakup?) reaches out to _pet_ him of all things he lashes out before he can think any better of it, and he only feels _mildly_ guilty at the affronted look on his face before Dirk concedes his defeat. He hovers after that, talking about something that Todd suspects is meaningless rambling that's supposed to soothe them both, but right now he can't think of anything he wants more than for Dirk to go away. He wants them both to leave him alone, preferably somewhere he can hide away and have an existential crisis in peace. The panic may be held at bay but it's certainly not gone, simmering away beneath the surface and making itself known in the tension that winds through his tiny body. He _feels_ small, much more so than usual, hyper aware of his own vulnerability and trying to account for potential threats by paying attention to as much as he possibly can. It's already getting exhausting but it doesn't seem to be something he can turn off, some kind of built in hypervigilance that comes as a shitty add on to an already shitty situation.

It doesn't take him long to decide that he can't stay on the sofa.

It's too limiting, it makes him feel trapped, weirdly exposed even from his little corner and from here there's no hiding from, well, _everything._ Dirk talking, the sound of Farah tinkering in the kitchen, the smell of every single coffee, meal, cleaning agent that's been used over the last week, he can see the open space around him and it only makes him feel smaller, more on guard because there's nowhere really to hide and it's only furthering his anxiety. He feels observed, _acutely_, and that one isn't even coming from the situation they're in that's just _him_. He's not sure if it's shame or embarrassment or some strange mix of the two but he doesn't _like_ it, he never _has,_ and he can't deal with vulnerability at the best of times so he _certainly_ can't now. It's _more_ than enough incentive to want to run and not look back.

He approaches the edge of the sofa slowly, trying not to alert Dirk lest he stop him, but also trying to gauge the height of the drop from this new angle. Todd knows cats tend to land on their feet, but it's not like he _wants_ to test that theory when he has no idea if it applies to him. Trying to communicate wanting to get off the sofa to Dirk seems like an _impossible_ task, not to mention_ humiliating_, and Todd is _more_ than capable of doing things his damn self so he doesn't see why this should be any different. Still, it does look _rather_ far from his new vantage point when he peers over the edge, and he digs his claws in just a little for support at the sight of the drop.

He stays there for a moment, tail swishing back and forth in consideration even though he's not really aware of it, before he decides that he _can't_ stay up here a moment longer, not when all he really wants right now is to be alone, and besides he's done _far_ worse than jump off the couch in the body of a creature that's particularly good at landing the right way up. His body seems to get the message before his brain does, and it's probably for the best when he launches himself off the edge without a second thought and panics as soon as he's in the air. Dirk notices too late that he's decided to make a break for it.

"_Todd_-!" he shouts, the word loud and panicked as he scrambles to catch him just before he hits the floor, and Todd realises very abruptly when Dirk manages to hold him between two hands just how small he _actually_ is.

The unexpected move fills him with both panic and indignation though, and before he can stop himself Todd is hissing, scrabbling at Dirk's hands and writhing in his hold like he's trying his best to fight it to the death. It doesn't take long until Dirk is forced to put him down, and to his credit he manages to be more gentle about it than Todd would have been in similar circumstances, but then Dirk always _is_ oddly gentle with small creatures, which Todd supposes is a category he could now place himself in. It doesn’t make him feel any better, and he doesn’t stick around to say thank you. As soon as he touches the floor he bolts from the room with a _surprising_ amount of speed and agility which he can only attribute to the fact that he’s working on pure panic and instinct, because he finds it highly likely that it wouldn’t go anywhere near as smoothly if he had to coordinate his new form on four paws all at once while _thinking_ about it. 

It doesn’t take Todd particularly long to find somewhere to sequester himself. He considers taking up residency under the bed but the thought of what could be lurking under there is enough for him to throw that idea out almost immediately. Instead he heads for the closet, finding himself thankful for the first time that Dirk is so bad at closing doors when he manages to squeeze himself through the tiny gap and make himself a home in the far corner, settling down atop a pile of clothes and trying his best not to think about how ridiculous and _awful_ this situation is. Instead he tries to appreciate the quiet, the way the dark confined space feels so much safer than the living room had, the way he can hear Dirk and Farah talking through the walls and while it’s reassuring to know they’re nearby it’s muffled enough to put his hypervigilance to rest for the time being, especially when the minutes pass and nobody seems to come looking for him. 

Still, being alone with his thoughts isn’t particularly comforting either. Todd curls in on himself, a habit that seems to carry over into this body in a way that seems to fit it even better than his usual one, and even though he feels like he’s going to cry all over again he’s not surprised to find he lacks the ability. It’s a relief in a way, he doesn’t think actually crying tears when he’s in the body of a kitten is going to make Dirk fret any _less_, and maybe if he can’t cry the feeling will go away faster. Todd is no stranger to feeling helpless, but the feeling of _having_ to rely on others is a new one, and not one he particularly appreciates. He may not be the _best_ at looking after himself but it’s certainly something that he _values_, something he wouldn’t deal well with losing even when he _could_ communicate clearly nevermind when he knows so much as _trying_ to say something will just leave him with an embarrassing reminder of his new predicament. For a moment all he can think about is the book report he’d turned in for his high school english class the one term they’d studied Kafka’s Metamorphosis, he’d found it cool at the time, if a little weird, but facing the reality for himself is a lot more distressing than his teenage self would have believed. He supposes the upside is that Dirk and Farah are unlikely to let him starve, and at least being a cat has more redeeming qualities than being a giant insect, but it’s hardly something he wants to be stuck with. The mere thought of this lasting longer than a few hours isn’t something he wants to contemplate and he forces it away as best he can, closing his eyes against his current reality and doing his best to pretend to be somewhere else. If he tries hard enough he can just about imagine he’s sequestered himself under the blankets on their bed, a familiar situation and one he finds comforting enough that it’s easy to let his mind go there rather than stay here with him. 

The only real thought he has, the only one he lets slip through as a reminder, is the hope that Dirk had been right about Farah finding a way to reverse this situation, and that at _worst_ it would only last a few hours. He really doesn’t know what he’s going to do if that turns out not to be the case. 

***

Dirk refuses to panic. He paces the living room floor, twists his fingers together nervously, talks a mile a minute about how this is absolutely _certainly_ going to be _fine_ as he casts glance after worried glance at the bedroom door Todd disappeared through half an hour ago, but he resolutely _refuses_ to panic. Perhaps if he keeps telling himself that it will turn out to be true.

"-and all in all I think maybe this could _actually_ be a very valuable learning experience for all of us. Provided nobody dies and Todd doesn't get stuck as... _this_ forever. He really _would_ be quite upset about that I think."

"He's going to be _fine_." Farah tells him, voice firm as she looks up from the kitchen counter where she's still sifting through the gun remnants. "Just... give him some space. It can't be _easy_ for him. Well, for anyone but- you know what he's like, Dirk. He'll come round. Besides, the more of this he can sleep through the better, we need to _focus_." Farah finds it incredibly unlikely that Todd in this _particular_ form will be _any_ help to them while they try to work this out. Still, she'd be lying if she said she wasn't at least a _little_ worried, casting her own glance towards the door as soon as she's sure Dirk isn't watching her. Her initial assessments of the weapon aren't exactly looking _promising,_ but she doesn't want to tell Dirk anything about that until she's completely sure.

"He's so _tiny_, Farah. He could be... he could be _stuck_ in there. He could get _crushed_ by the bed! I don't want to just _leave_ him, what if he gets hurt?!"

"Dirk, if he was stuck we'd _know_ about it," she sighs softly. "No noise is a _good_ sign, it means he's not hurt. He's probably just sleeping, or sulking, and I don't-" she cuts herself off, trying to work out how best to phrase it without upsetting Dirk more. "He's still _Todd_. He's not- he's not going to act like a cat just because he looks like one. He _always_ goes off when he's upset, it's not- fussing over him isn't going to help just because he's... _adorable_ now." She forces the word out because it's _true_, but describing Todd as... _that_ isn't something she'd ever seen herself doing.

"He's adorable a lot more often than you'd think," Dirk informs her as he _finally_ drops down onto the sofa and watches the door forlornly. "And I can't... I can't _not_. He's tiny and fluffy and he _knows_ how I feel about cats! You _saw_ his ears! And the _whiskers_-" Dirk sounds like he might cry, although whether it's from cuteness or frustration Farah can't quite tell. "You expect me to just... _ignore_ that?"

"I-" and god, she _hates_ that she knows what he means, even a _little_ bit. Farah has never considered herself _susceptible_ to the cuteness of animals, in fact the smaller and cuter they are the more nervous they make her, but she can't deny that the tiny kitten that is Todd right now had made her heart swell in her chest just a little in a way that made her feel strangely protective of him. "I think Todd would likely prefer it if you did." It's not untrue, and perhaps Dirk will find it easier in theory than in practice, but she hopes that at least getting him to _think_ about it is better than nothing.

"I suppose you're right," Dirk agrees after a long moment, sighing heavily. "Do we _really_ just have to hope it wears off? I mean, I suppose I _could_ see myself having a kitten as an assistant, but having a cat for a _boyfriend_ seems a little... _uncomfortable_ at best."

"Right now? Yes. We have evidence that it _does_ wear off, so we'll just have to hope that's the case here too." Farah doesn't want to address the question of _cat boyfriends_, so she chooses to just ignore it. "You can worry about your relationship later, because I suspect the more _pressing_ question is what we're going to _feed_ him."

Dirk frowns for a moment, before his eyes go wide in sudden realisation. "_Shit."_ He turns on the sofa to face her properly, face too pale for her to believe he's just worried about coaxing Todd into eating a can of tuna. "Farah do you think... what about his medication? I mean- he can't, he _can't_ still have pararibulitis can he? I mean it's not... we can't just _give_ him the pills, he's too small! We have _no_ idea if they're even safe for cats! What if... what if he has an attack like this? He's... he's _tiny_."

_Shit_, Farah thinks, is absolutely right. "I... it's not really his body, is it?" she tries to sound hopeful but it's hard when she doesn't really believe it. "I mean... cats can't _have_ pararibulitis, right? They're not... Todd said it was a genetic condition and I'm _pretty_ sure a cat has different genetics to a human."

"But we can't _know_ that Farah! What if it isn't even _in_ his body? What if it's his brain? What if it _kills_ him?" Dirk tries _very_ hard not to think about the fact that any of Todd's attacks _could_ actually kill him, but it's an impossible thing to ignore when he's facing down the fact that they might not be able to medicate Todd at _all_ like this, and if he _did_ have an attack... Dirk wouldn't have the first idea how to help him.

Farah looks stricken by the idea too, shaken out of her task and abandoning the weapon as she shakes her head. "I... okay. _Okay_ there's got to be some kind of... we can't give him his pills, it's too risky. I don't... I _hope_ he just won't be able to have them but... but!" She pulls her phone out, feeling some triumphant rush of hope when she realises she knows _exactly_ what to do. "Hobbs gave him some pills back in Bergsberg, right? His cat is-"

"Yes!" Dirk looks happier than he has since this whole thing started, and for a minute it's enough to make them both feel better. "Oh Farah, you're a _genius_!"

"I'm- I'll ask him what the medication was and then... it shouldn't be _too_ hard to get hold of some. And if Todd could take them as a person he could... he could _definitely_ take them as a cat, right? That's- It might not be the _same_ but it could... it could _work_."

Dirk nods enthusiastically, and Farah feels some of the tension in her shoulders release with the success of having found a practical solution to _something_ at least.

"Right. _Right_ okay you... you call Hobbs and I'll-" Dirk grabs his jacket, throwing one last glance towards the bedroom door before deciding against harassing Todd right now. "I'll go to the shops and find... something that cats can eat that Todd will _also_ eat.”

It would seem that Dirk feels the need to _do something_ just as much as she does, and it comforts her a little to know that whatever happens, whatever the situation may end up being, she's not the only one who wants to fix it.

Even so, when the door slams behind Dirk she can't help but feel a _little_ panicked at the idea of being left alone with him.

"It's just Todd," she mutters to herself as she scrolls through her contacts until she finds Sherlock's number. "It'll be _fine_."

She still feels a wave of concern wash over her when she looks to the bedroom door and wonders how she's supposed to explain this to Hobbs. In the end it's probably a good thing he's on board with their particular brand of '_holistic weirdness,'_ he'd never survive their phone calls otherwise.

***

It doesn't take too long for Dirk to come back, and when he does he's carrying a bag that's both bigger and _jinglier_ than it should be. Dirk can see on Farah's face that she wants to question it, and he does his best to look as innocent as humanly possible just in case she decides to look in the bag and he has to pretend he doesn't know how any of those things got there but it certainly wasn't him.

In the end it's a moot point, because Farah furrows her brow into something both confused and concerned, before shaking her head and deciding not to ask.

"I haven't heard anything." She tells him, tilting her head in the direction of the bedroom door. "But Hobbs gave me the name so I'm going to go try and find a vet who will sell it to me without a prescription. In the meantime just... try not to bother him. See if he comes out on his own. I _know_ it's..." she sighs, seemingly unable to work out exactly what it is, but Dirk finds himself agreeing anyway. "It's probably best if we try and keep this as stress free for him as possible, _especially_ if there's a chance he could have an attack. So just- be careful."

"It's _Todd_," Dirk says in a way that's not a hundred percent reassuring. "I can manage. Besides, if he _really_ wants to hide away I'm never going to find him, he can be particularly sneaky when he wants to be and I have a suspicion that he would be _excellent_ at hide and seek if only I could convince him to play."

Farah watches him for a moment, casting one last suspicious glance at the bag he's holding before she decides there's a better use for her time right now.

"Okay," she concedes, offering him a hesitant smile. "I'll try not to be gone too long. Call me if anything happens."

Dirk barely has time to nod before she's out the door, spurred on by the relief of having at least one practical solution she can carry out and all the more eager to see it through. For his part, Dirk immediately sinks onto the sofa and peers into the bag he dropped next to him. The sales assistant had been _terribly_ helpful when he'd told her about his recent acquisition of a kitten, and while he's sure everything he'd ended up bringing home _would_ be useful for a normal situation he's not completely sure Todd would approve. Even so, it doesn’t stop him from _wondering_ if any of the cat toys he’d found himself loaded with would actually _work_ on Todd. It’s highly possible he should have just picked up some catnip and left him to it. 

Dirk allows himself a moment to bury his face in his hands before he tries to come up with any kind of plan. The thing is that Farah is right, and the best course of action _is_ most likely to leave Todd alone until he comes out on his own, or with any luck the process undoes itself and he no longer has to worry about the situation at all. The problem with all of _that_ is that Dirk isn't _good_ at leaving things alone, especially not when it comes to Todd and _certainly_ not when Todd might be _suffering_ in some way.

It's with that in mind that he makes his way over to the bedroom, door still cracked open from where Todd had disappeared through it earlier, and warily sticks his head around the edge of it to peer into the room.

He can't see Todd anywhere, which doesn't exactly _surprise_ him, but it does little to reassure him either. There are too many places he could be hiding, tiny as he is, and as much as Dirk wants to find him so he knows he's safe he doesn't want to tear the room apart and startle him further. Farah wouldn't be impressed with that at _all_ and he hardly wants to make it _worse_ for Todd than it already is.

"I know you're in here," he says after a moments deliberation, curling his hands nervously around the edges of the door as he watches for any indication of where Todd is. "I- Farah's gone out for a while so it's... it's just me. She thinks it's still possible that you might just change back and I hope she's right, but-" Dirk sighs softly, not even knowing if Todd can hear him. "For now I don't- if you _want_ to stay... wherever you are then that's- it's fine. But I just- I _am_ worried about you, Todd. So, I'm going to be around. Trying to... work out some way to fix this. If you get bored." He waits for a moment, already knowing that the likelihood of a response is slim to none but not wanting to miss it either way. When it doesn't come he isn't surprised, but it doesn't do much to make him feel better. "Right. Well. I'll... I'll leave the door open and I- I love you."

When that doesn't get a response either Dirk just nods to himself and tries to resign himself to what could be some of the worst few hours of his life, if not more. He hopes not more. He doesn't know what he'll do if it is.

***

From his place in the closet, Todd listens to Dirk with a growing sense of guilt. It's stupid that he can still _feel_ guilt, he thinks. None of the cats he'd ever encountered had seemed to. But that doesn't seem to matter when it's clearly there, nudging insistently at him every time he recognises the worry in Dirk's voice.

It's not _his_ fault he got turned into _this_. It's not his fault that it makes the world brighter and louder and _bigger_ in ways he _really_ can't quite comprehend. It's certainly not his fault that Dirk looks at him like he's... _adorable_ more than he ever has. He shouldn't _have_ to feel guilty about this situation, it's perfectly _reasonable_ for him to curl up in a closet and try not to think about it until it all goes away. Todd's been doing a similar thing for the past ten years, it's hardly fair to expect him to _not_ do it now, and yet...

It was easier to do then, because there was nobody else to think about. It was easier to shut himself away and try to wait for the bad things to pass when he wouldn't have had anyone to turn to if he _didn't_ want to do that, and didn't have anyone to hurt when he _did_. And it's not like Dirk is upset _because_ of him, Dirk is upset for the same reasons he is, and even Todd can grudgingly admit that _maybe_ it might feel a little better if both of them weren't just sitting rooms apart and dwelling on it. He's still trying to adjust to the concept of _having people_, they all are, and Dirk- Dirk had reached out first. Dirk had reached out while making an effort to understand how hard this might be for him which... was no doubt an idea Farah had put into his head but was still- _something_. Something that mattered. They're both doing their best to consider each other and as much as Todd wants to sit here and sulk he thinks- he _knows_ being around Dirk will make him feel better. As long as he can get up the courage to face him.

He doesn't _want_ to feel anxious, he doesn't want to have to worry about it, but it seems like everything is a reminder of his current predicament which happens to be exactly everything he doesn't want to be reminded about. The fact that he can't really do anything for himself, can't _talk_ to them, fills him with a sense of panicky-dread that's almost strong enough to paralyse him. It's not like he doesn't trust Dirk and Farah, not like he thinks that they'll do anything other than their best, but the fact that he doesn't have the _option_ to rely on himself is something so terrifying that if he didn't know exactly how he ended up in this mess he'd think it was some kind of cosmic punishment on top of everything else.

It's with some level of determination that he jumps down from the haphazard pile of clothing and makes his way across the room to peer into the living room. If he can learn to live with his pararibulitis permanently, he can manage a day as a cat. Or that's what he's going to keep telling himself anyway until something inevitably unravels that statement for him, he's sure it won't take long. It's still a push though, enough to have him peeking around the door as little as possible to see Dirk is sitting against the wall with his head in his hands, looking rather like he might be on the verge of tears if he isn't crying already.

The sight is enough to give him pause. Todd isn't sure exactly what he was planning on doing, but the idea of just running back to the closet knowing Dirk hadn't seen him had been a strong contender up until now. He'd just wanted to make sure things were okay, that Dirk wasn't... well. Doing exactly what he _is_ doing right now. Despite everything else, Todd knows for a fact that he isn't going to be able to bring himself to leave him like this, because he's fairly sure at this point that Dirk crying is one of his least favourite things in the world.

He's halfway across the room before he thinks about what he's doing, and his movements are so quiet like this that Dirk doesn't even seem to know he's _there_. It feels oddly voyeuristic for a moment, especially when he keeps creeping closer and Dirk seems none the wiser, and eventually Todd stops and looks up at him, tilting his head with the realisation that if he's going to get Dirk's attention he's going to have to _do_ something.

Talking doesn't work, whenever he tries to make vaguely word shaped sounds they all come out mangled and cat-like in a way that's unrecognisable in comparison to what he's trying to say. He doesn't want to get closer though, not when he doesn't know how Dirk will react, and flailing limbs are more of a danger to him than usual. So while he can't do words, Todd manages, just about, to make an enquiring sound that comes out more like a _chirp_ than anything else.

He would try and find the time to be embarrassed by it, but before he can the sound makes Dirk jump, looking around in bewilderment before his eyes land on Todd and his gaze softens into something between fondness and concern.

"Todd! I- what are you- are you okay?"

Todd just stares at him, still tensed like he's ready to bolt from the room at a moments notice but less likely to now he can see that Dirk _has_ been crying. He ignores his question in favour of tilting his head and hoping Dirk gets the message. It takes him a moment.

"Wh- oh. Oh, I'm- yes. I'm fine. It's all... sorry. I'm a bit of a mess, actually. Didn't think you'd see that but-" he smiles, hesitant and soft and Todd can see that it's taking a certain amount of effort for Dirk to keeps his hands to himself. For some reason it makes him feel stupidly fond, and some of the tension seeps out of him when his strange new instincts seem to get the message that Dirk isn't actually a threat. "It's nice- good. To see you, that is. I was... worried? I suppose? Not that you're in any danger! I mean, I would _hope_ not, but it's just..." Dirk bites at his lip like he's not sure his words will be well received. "You really _are_ quite small and as... _endearing_ as that is I thought-" he cuts himself off, shaking his head. "Never mind, I'm glad you're okay. Or- did you… need something?"

There’s something about the way Dirk’s eyes are still wet with tears as he worries over why Todd might have emerged after all that makes him entirely unable to keep the distance between them as big as it is. He’s well aware that if he had arms, hands, and opposable thumbs he’d already be making him tea and likely enforcing some kind of blanket based cuddling just to make him feel better, but as it is he has limited options and if simply sitting next to him might achieve the same thing then he’s willing to at least try. 

“Oh.” Todd is used to the soft surprise in Dirk’s voice whenever something he finds unexpectedly pleasant happens, and as much as it pains him to hear it, it’s also something he likes to be the cause of. He knows how to make Dirk happy of course, even now, but he highly doubts Dirk is going to _try_ it without Todd’s say so, and the thought of having to actually let him know it’s okay instead of grudgingly pretend to go along with it is enough to make him wish Dirk actually _was_ psychic. 

Still, when it becomes obvious that Dirk is holding himself near-perfectly still on purpose, Todd does the only thing he can when he doesn’t have the words to reassure him, and with as much of a warning glare as he can possibly give, nudges his head against Dirk’s hand. 

There’s a moment where Dirk doesn’t move, and Todd huffs impatiently, not wanting to have to drag out the part where he has to goad him into it when he could just get to the part where he can pretend it was all Dirk’s idea. He’s seen Dirk with cats. He’s seen how _stupidly_ delighted he is when he gets to pet them. He’s not going to sit here as a cat while his boyfriend is crying and _not_ let him do the one thing that will _clearly_ make him happy. But that doesn’t make it any less _mortifying_ to admit to it. 

“Oh,” Dirk says again, only this time it’s far more hopeful. “I- are you _sure?_ I wouldn’t want to-” Todd gives him a _look_ that tells him how much he knows whatever he was planning on saying next is bullshit, and Dirk at least manages to look a little sheepish through his obviously growing delight. “Right. Well then I suppose, um…” 

Todd isn’t a stranger to Dirk’s need to put his hands _everywhere_. He’s a touchy kind of person once he knows he’ll get away with it, if he’s excitedly trying to get Todd to do something with him he could even be called _grabby_, but no matter how often Todd has been on the receiving end of Dirk running his fingers through his hair (and no matter how much he grudgingly _liked_ it), he doesn’t think Dirk has ever touched him so _gently_ before. He’s well aware it’s because he currently weighs about the same amount as half a bag of sugar, but it doesn’t stop the strange, unexplainable surge of jealousy that hits him out of nowhere when he thinks of all the times he’d seen Dirk with a cat and not realised that they were getting something he wasn’t. 

He doesn’t have the first idea what to make of it, so instead he shoves it aside to deal with later, because he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Dirk look happier than he does right now, scratching his fingers just behind Todd’s ears in a way that makes him think that temporarily being a cat might have some upsides after all. 

“You’re _adorable_,” Dirk tells him, barely keeping the laughter out of his voice when Todd closes his eyes against the feeling. It’s nothing mind-blowing, not really, but he’s always found it soothing when Dirk pet his hair anyway and there’s no real reason it should be different now. “And _really_ soft. I mean- I _know_ you’re a kitten, and I’m sure if you _actually_ conditioned your hair you’d be _far_ less fluffy than you’ve ended up, but you really _are_ soft.” 

There’s a note of wonder in his voice, and Todd opens his eyes just enough to bare his teeth in a cursory warning which does make Dirk stop talking about him like he’s cute, but doesn’t do anything to take the look off his face. It’s the most content he’s felt since this whole thing started though, and Dirk looks happier than he has the last few times Todd has seen him. In the absence of Farah, and with a glare that promises Dirk’s death if he says a single thing about it to anyone, Todd curls up next to him and decides that for now it’s as good of a place to be as any. 

Dirk is still tracing little patterns through his fur when he falls asleep, and no matter what Dirk may say about it later, Todd will gladly die before he admits to the possibility that he may have been purring. It’s a secret Dirk is happy to keep.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this chapter please leave a comment! It's pretty much the only kind of payment I get for this so you know, that'd be cool of you <3
> 
> You can catch me at [kieren-fucking-walker](http://kieren-fucking-walker.tumblr.com/) on tumblr if you want to yell at me/talk to me about Dirk Gently/generally freak out over these two idiots.
> 
> Hopefully I'll see you around, and thanks for reading <3


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